Mindful Conversations: Understanding Control and Vulnerability in Emotional Healing

In his latest video, Michael Towers delves into a concept he calls the "Formula for Success," which one of his clients aptly renamed the "Map of Emotional Life." "This is something I introduce to my clients right at the beginning," Towers explains, "It helps orientate them to my philosophy and approach to counseling." This map is designed to guide clients through the complex landscape of their emotions, showing how control and vulnerability play pivotal roles in their healing journey.

Towers breaks down the formula with clarity: "When you have control, you're going to feel safe. When you feel safe, you choose to be vulnerable. And when you choose to be vulnerable, hope is born—and then healing will happen." But there’s another side to this formula, which Towers highlights as a cautionary tale. "If you're out of control," he says, "you experience fear and anxiety, leading to what I call 'forced vulnerability,' which ultimately results in hopelessness and harm."

The concept of safety is at the core of Towers' approach, whether in a therapeutic setting or within personal relationships. "Think about therapy," he suggests, "There's this expectation that you need to tell your therapist your deepest, darkest secrets. But if you don't feel safe, that’s forced vulnerability—and that will always lead to hopelessness and harm." He draws a parallel to intimate relationships, where societal narratives about being a 'good' partner can also push individuals into unsafe, forced vulnerability.

Towers' discussion of control extends beyond external circumstances and focuses on how we show up in any situation. "It’s all about internal control," he notes, "Who are you? How do you want to be known? Answering these questions—without relying on labels—helps anchor you in life’s challenges." This self-awareness becomes a critical tool for navigating emotional storms, much like an anchor steadies a boat at sea.

In a powerful reframe, Towers addresses behaviors like lying, manipulation, and dissociation, which are often pathologized. "These are external control mechanisms," he explains, "People use them to create safety for themselves in situations where they don’t feel safe internally." Instead of moralizing these behaviors, Towers encourages a deeper understanding of why they occur, helping clients find healthier ways to feel secure.

Ultimately, Towers' goal is to help clients develop a strong sense of self that remains consistent across all aspects of life. "We talk about how we act differently at home, at work, and with friends," he says, "But real healing happens when you learn who you are, how you want to be known, and how to be 100% authentic in every system you belong to." This authenticity, paired with internal control, is the key to true emotional safety and well-being.